I can't believe that it's been almost a month since I've last written.
I guess that's not exactly true . . . I have written. Light-hearted letters to friends with inside jokes in the margins, script alternating between loopy print and scrawling cursive and peppered with hearts and smiley faces. Essays about my life for my narrative nonfiction class filled with heaviness and sealed with tears, typed out in stretches of double-spaced sentences, proof that Word documents can contain parts of your soul.
You know when you're walking with a heavy backpack and it weighs you down and makes your back ache and slows your steps? And then you swing it off your shoulders and suddenly the heaviness has disappeared and you feel as though your heart is feather-light? That's how I feel when I write, when I let the words spill out onto a page.
And yet, when I've spent hours typing into a Word document for my writing class, it's almost as if I'm afraid to come to my blog and write more, because if I take that backpack off too suddenly, I might just fly away from all of the lightness. ;-) Sometimes I feel as though the words that I don't feel obligated to share serve to keep me grounded . . .
Lately some of my friends from outside my writing class have been asking to see my pieces, and I'm not sure what to do. A lot of my writing is about my disability (though not all of it) and I almost never discuss my CP in spoken words, so it feels strange to share this side of me. And then there's a part of me that's afraid it will change things, change the lightness of our friendships. Sometimes when I tell people my story, they look at me differently. I can see it in their eyes and I'm not quite sure what it is, exactly, but suddenly I'm no longer a college kid. And then part of me wonders if I'm being selfish by not letting them see this part of me.
It's hard to share. I need to share. There's something beautiful about sharing words with someone else, and yet there's something equally wonderful about holding those words close to your heart, tucking them inside of yourself.
Anyway, I guess that's enough rambling for now. I miss you guys and I really felt as though I needed to write something here today. xoxoxo