Saturday, January 4, 2014

Breathless Sleep

Note: for the purposes of good communication, I want to mention before I begin that this is something I wrote a few days ago...I've been feeling much better lately. :)

In my dreams I am suffocating
Gasping for air, grasping for a lifeline,
something's crushing my chest, clutching at my breath,
and it seems the harder I fight,
the more it's kept from me. 

I open my eyes and the nightmare is real.
My bed feels like a prison cell, my sheets wound around me,
choking me.
As the coughing wracks my chest, I reach in the darkness,
feeling desperately for my inhaler.

My shaking fingers find it
and I hold it to my mouth, 
forcing the exhale so I can take a breath in...

And just like that,
the bitter mist reaches my lungs and 
I can breathe. I can breathe.

The light in the hall flickers on,
and it's my dad,
lingering in the doorway,
watching. 

And then it's my mom,
her whisper floating across the air,
"I'm going to leave your door open."

I roll over, watch her. 
"No, leave it closed," I whisper back. 
"I don't want to wake you."

She replies that she wants to be awoken...
and I just barely catch the end of her sentence
as she walks back down the hallway,
her whispered voice breaking...
"I want to be sure you're not dying."

Her words clutch at my breath,
pull at my heart.

Halfway between sleep and wakefulness,
I hide my face from the darkness.
and with a deep, shuddering breath,
I settle back into sleep,
praying for a dream this time,
a dream instead of a nightmare.

5 comments:

  1. Kerry, I have been thinking of you a lot and I really hope medically you can get answers as it sounds so scary for you. Happy new year to you, hope it's just amazing xxxxx

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  2. Aw Sweets! Listen to your mom and keep the door open. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I hope you can figure out why you're having so many breathing problems this year!! Sending you lots of hugs and love my sweet friend. And even more deep breaths! XO

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  3. Your poetry is so lovely. I always wait eagerly for new posts from you! :)

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  4. Oh my friend....I'm with your mom on this one. It is one of my greatest fears with Boo. And even with Abby, it's that fear that I can defeat anything but the worst possible scenario.

    But I'm glad you heard her. Even if it hurt you. Because now you know why it is so important to keep her in your loop. To not try to handle it all on your own. I worry about you ending your break and having a flare-up.

    Stay safe my friend. I am a text/call away if you need anything

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  5. This is an intense poem...and um...how did I not know you wrote poetry??? (Yet another thing we have in common!)

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