Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Just want to break down and cry....

It happened again tonight. I was doing work and chatting with a friend on Facebook when I felt a crushing tightness in my chest and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I panicked, grabbed my inhaler and a water bottle, and left my room.

I didn't make it twenty feet before I collapsed against the wall in the hallway. One of my friends heard me gasping for air and he rushed out of his room and called campus safety right away.

Writing about it now I just feel like crying because not being able to breathe is just about the scariest feeling in the world. I felt like I was dying, could hardly sit up...used my inhaler which helped a little bit but then my hands tightened up from a lack of of carbon dioxide in my blood, so I couldn't use it again.

All the while I felt like my chest was being crushed...no matter how much air I tried to get into my lungs, it didn't seem to be working.

The campus safety officer called the paramedics and they gave me an oxygen mask. They wanted me to go to the hospital because my heart-rate and blood pressure were really high, and my breathing had improved a little but it was still labored.

I didn't want to cause drama though, and after about fifteen minutes of the oxygen mask and three more uses of my inhaler, I felt like I could breathe again.

All of this happened about two hours ago and I'm afraid to tell my mom again. I will tell her...but I just can't bear to tell her now.

And yet I'm scared that it will happen again, out of the blue like it did tonight. What if my friend hadn't heard me, hadn't come out into the hallway? What would have happened if I was out there alone?

I went to the health center this morning and got some more steroids to take...they help tremendously, but what if they don't do enough? The nurse practitioner I saw thought that this whole thing might have something to do with my lungs...and lungs are kind of necessary for life. I'm scared and I don't know how to handle this.

And I still have a lab report to write that's due tomorrow, and final exams start on Friday. I just want to break down and cry. I wish everything could be easier again, wish I didn't have to go through this. I'm scared, so scared, and I feel so alone right now and so overwhelmed about everything.

I'm trying to keep it together but I feel like the world is crashing down around me and there's nothing I can do.


  1. I'm so sorry :( I wish I could help you!!!! Just want you to know I care, and I've been thinking of you, and I'll pray things get resolved!!! This whole situation really sucks, and I wish I could do something about it. Sending love your way!!

  2. And K.. tell your parents that it happened again!! Tell them soon! I know it is hard! But you cannot physically keep this up. It needs to get figured out!!! And maybe they will know what to do to help? I'm just worried about you!!!

  3. Please remember, your life comes first and then your studies. Your college knows about your health struggles (you have plenty of documentation from these recent health issues) and need to be made aware that you need to delay your exams and papers until your health is stable again. They can do that. I know. I went to graduate school later in life and learned from age and experience that if I told profs that I needed some extra time and help due to situations I could not control, then they were more than likely to extend time periods. You will pass your exams and write your papers eventually, when the time is right; but don't put college time expectations in front of your life. Please take care of yourself first.

  4. I agree with everyone else. Tell your parents and the school about your recent struggles. I am no doctor but I suspect all the stress of exams is adding to your physical problems. I have no idea if you are a candidate or financially able, but what about a service dog? A friend has severe Type 1 diabetes (the kind that routinely puts her in the hospital) and normally couldn't live alone, but she has a service dog that wakes her if her blood sugar is getting too low. Just something to think about. Hugs and hope it all gets better.

  5. Bless your heart! I've been reading this blog for sometime, and having CP as well I can relate to many struggles...because I went through similar ones when I ompleted my undergraduate degree. It's important that you tell anyone that can help you....even when it's scary. That's part of self-advocacy. Speaking up through the fear. I never had to deal with severe breathing issues although I do have a mild form of Asthma; however, my heart goes out to you. I hope you feel better, and trust your parents to understand....

  6. Hang on in there hun. Just do the next step.

    Is it possible that any of this is a stress response to the immense pressure you're under at the moment?

    Keep people near you. Get a panic alarm you can set off if you can't breathe. Have contingency plans in place.

    And OMIGOSH please, please, please for everything, call your Mom - because if she finds out afterwards...if she thinks in any way shape or form that she could've helped you and that you kept her out...that will be a much harder burden for her to bear than ANY that you think you might be placing upon her just by being sick, and being her little girl, and needing her.

    Please please please...

    And stay safe, you. Sending lots of healing thoughts and prayers and love to you. I hope things calm down and remain on an even keel, health-wise, stress-wise...you-wise...

  7. I delayed my comment as we spoke privately, but. DUDE. You got this...I promise and swear you do, now that your mom is there for you. Really and truly. Also? I adore you. Email me or call me anytime...For real.

  8. I can't imagine how stressful this was for you <3 <3 <3


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