Thursday, November 7, 2013

Fallen

I feel your stares...they burn like fire on my back. I hear your unspoken questions as you watch me walk. They sting, but not as much as the questions that make it to your lips and float across the air like an arrow.

"What's wrong with her?"

I caught that. I heard you. I hide my face so you can't see the hurt.

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I am perfect in all of my imperfections. At least that is what I try to tell myself as I walk away from you, alone in the silence that pounds in my ears, suffocated by the pain of being different, of being an outsider. The words you dared to speak aloud echo in my head, catch in my throat...What is wrong with her? What is wrong with her? What is wrong with her? What is wrong with me?

I am walking, and my legs give out suddenly...I collapse in a heap on the floor. You wait until you think you are out of earshot, and I know you didn't mean for me to hear, but I hear you anyway....I hear you laughing and it aches a thousand times more than the fall...

"What was that?" you say, your laughter pummeling me as I scramble to get up.

You see me as broken, pathetic, damaged goods....You left as soon as you saw me fall...you didn't stay to offer a hand, didn't take the time to look at me for who I really am. You didn't stay to watch me brush myself off and pull myself to my feet again. If you had stayed, you would have seen...you would have seen that I am so much more than my clumsy steps, and I am so much more because of my clumsy steps.

I went home that day and wrote in my journal, in big scrawling letters across the page:
I hate that I fall so often.
 
Underneath that, I wrote,
I love that I always get up. 

And really, that is one of the most valuable lessons that my CP has taught me: it's okay to fall. Everybody falls.

Life isn't about how many times we fall . . . it's about how many times we get up.

10 comments:

  1. You are one of the strongest people I know. It would be so easy for you to let those people make you bitter--but you haven't. You have a beautiful heart!

    By the way, I love your new blog background. :)

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  2. If only we lived in a world where people could look on the insides:

    You are an OLYMPIAN. Atlas's younger sister. Made of gold, and shining like a beacon.

    And the people who say these things are dark and wraithlike and you can see through their swirling nastiness to the lack of character and emptiness in their core.

    Also, hey, have I missed a few posts, or did it suddenly get beautifuller around here? You've redecorated? I like it very much :D

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  3. I know hate isn't something we should teach and pass on. but I HATE how you are treated. I despise how some one could not offer a hand or a smile. I abhor that we are raising a society that is so self-involved and quick to laugh rather than sympathize.

    I love that you get up. I love that you admit you sometimes hate CP but understand (I hope) that doesn't mean you hate yourself. I admire your bravery. I thank you for showing me how to be a more aware person when I see someone struggling.

    I still want to punch those jerks in the nose, though.

    As I am reading your post ROAR is playing in the background. You, my dear friend, are the epitome of that anthem. I love hearing you roar!

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  4. It breaks my heart that people can be so cruel. I loved the ending of this post you are so right, what it's about is how often we get up. Please remember when jerks laugh or spew hateful comments - it says so much about them, not you.

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  5. Loved your post. Getting up is indeed the trick, with every real or figurative fall. Thanks!

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  6. Love this! You have such a wonderful attitude!

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  7. The ending makes me cry and cheer. I'm so sorry that people are sometimes sucky and dumb. You're better than they'll ever know because THEY are the ones missing out by not seeing beyond a fall. Keep getting up, friend. That's what matters. XOXO

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  8. Beautiful!! I hope Grace grow up to be just like you.

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  9. I read this post and all I could think was, "Rude!" People who laugh when you fall... Seriously... :/

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