Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I'm tired.

Tired of feeling the ache in my left leg every time I take a step.

Tired of not knowing what kind of body I'm going to wake up with in the morning.

Tired of feeling a twinge in my knee and wondering if my leg is going to give out on me as I walk back from class.

Tired of scanning the pavement for black ice because if I slip and break a bone, it's possible that I'll never walk independently again. And I never want to hear those words again in my life, ever. 

Tired of my ankle being sore.

Tired of dodging people, constantly having to be aware of my surroundings so I don't get knocked over.

Tired of the stares.

Tired of reflexively saying, "I'm okay," when I stumble, without actually knowing if I'm okay until I check myself over.

Tired of worrying about whether people will be inadvertently blocking the handrails on the staircases, because they take for granted that they can walk down steps without railings.

Tired of well-meaning people asking me if I need help, and answering for the billionth time: No thank you, I can do it.

Tired of wondering: Can I do it?

I know, deep down, that I can do it . . . but some weeks are harder than others. Some weeks, I'm just plain tired.

8 comments:

  1. Dear K :) sending you much love xx you can do it all!!! You are a star! Hope tomorrow is brighter xx

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  2. Hope that Friday comes soon and next week is easier. I also hope that the people who stare see the beauty and not the pain you must be feeling.

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  3. I can relate to this... I wish I could come walk beside you and we'd take on the stairs and ice and pain and inconsiderate people together! Even the hard days are beautiful somehow, keep your head up and it'll get better :)

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  4. Hey. You write so expressively, your writing is quite beautiful. I actually found your blog by googling my own blog, "transcending scars," which will also be about having CP. (Don't go there yet, it hasn't really taken off yet.) Great minds think alike?
    Anyway, this is so relatable. Just keep going, it's all you can do. I'll be thinking of you.

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  5. Your pain is so real in your writings. I feel it in my core. Ari complains of alot of tingling in her limbs and I always fear that she is in some sort of pain or will be later on:( I wish everyone with CP could live a pain free life!
    Hugs to you:)

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  6. You're such an amazing writer. And in fairness, I think there are weeks we all feel overwhelmed and overtired. We can do it because what's the alternative? The alternative is hiding under the covers and not participating in life. Which, now that I type it, sounds pretty good for a couple of days, actually. Hang in there, and I'm so glad you share your story with all of us.

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  7. Thank you to each and every one of you for your encouragement. Your kind words made my tough week 10 times easier, and put a smile on my face when I needed one the most!! Bad days/weeks are inevitable, but somehow they seem so much better when you have people in your life who understand. :)

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  8. It's difficult to navigate people's commentary and reactions, especially when we just want to BE.

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