Friday, January 25, 2013

If I didn't have CP....

Sometimes in my dreams, I am running. I can feel the wind beneath my feet, and I am in awe of my body as each step propels me forward with ease and grace. It is breathtaking, freeing, exhilarating.

And then I awaken, and I am faced with the reality of a body that can't run, legs that seize up whenever I try to move quickly. I am faced with the reality that I probably never will run. I will never know exactly what it feels like. And that hurts.

I remember when I was three years old, and I asked my physical therapist why I had to do exercises.
"Because you can't run," she said, and I was crushed. 

I listen to my brother complain about cross-country practice."You wouldn't understand," he says, and then he sees my face.
No, I don't understand. But I wish I did.

If I didn't have CP, I would run until my legs gave out on me, run for the sake of running. Because I could. 

Yet at the same time, I know that I do run. Not in the physical sense of the word, but through my writing. When I write, I feel that same exhilaration and freedom that I experience in my dreams. And I guess that is what having CP is all about: discovering new ways to accomplish the impossible.

17 comments:

  1. Writing does the same for me - makes me feel free. I don't have CP, but I do have a special needs child. What you write, is exactly what I want to instill in my son - we all achieve our dreams in different ways. Thank you for sharing. PS - do you know this quote? "writing is an exploration. you start from nothing and learn as you go" E.L. Doctorow

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  2. I've recently gotten into running and i'm finding it difficult, but when my legs want to quit I think of my son and others with CP who don't have the opportunity. I think of how hard he works during therapy to learn to do things that come so naturally to others. I know that therapy is what's best for him, despite it being hard, so I keep that in mind when I run because taking care of oneself is hard, yet so important.

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  3. Your writing is beautiful and gives me hope for my daughter who has CP. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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  4. I just found your blog today and can't wait to read more about your story! Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration!

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  5. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post!! I love hearing your heart on everything, from being a triplet to having CP. I loved what you said about writing giving you the same freedom as running. Your writing also blesses everyone who reads it!!

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  6. I am amazed. First with your candor and second your dreams. The bright side is you won't get shin splints. I love how you transcend CO and don't let it define you. Keep ruining with your blog. You are doing awesome

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  7. You write beautifully! Thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts, it takes courage and I admire your strength in doing so. I run with my daughter, Ari. She is 12 years old and has CP. She is physically unable to run like yourself but I push her in an adaptive race chair. Please feel free to cotact me if you would like information regarding running. You can go to our FB page; Team Ari, and private message me there. Keep up the great work on your blog as well. You are a very talented writer.

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  8. You DO run through your writing. It's creative, inspiring and heartfelt. I love your blog.

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  9. YOU are an inspiration! Thank you for your sweet words on my blog this morning (Ok...I tried to publish and think I hit delete by accident, but I read them and loved them!!)! I love reading your heart and getting to know you here! Keep writing!!

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  10. Thank you to each and every one of you for your comments! They mean so much to me!

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  11. I used to be able to run a little. I don't know about you, K, but my condition started deteriorating in my twenties. I ran very strangely as a child, but once or twice my legs suddenly loosened and I ran like the wind for a few seconds and it was like flying. Here's to running in our dreams.

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  12. Inspiring. You are certainly spreading compassion and understanding.

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  13. I just found your blog and I just want to tell you that you are so inspiring, my 14 month old daughter has been diagnosed with CP and reading your words makes me feel stronger, I know that she will be strong on her own, but you have definitely help me to understand so many things, thanks for writing, I love reading your blog

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  14. My 18 month old Noah has SB not CP but I've had dreams where he actually walked instead of using a wheelchair too.

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  15. There is so much in this entry!

    Sometimes, I dream I am running, too. I remember one really vivid dream I had when I was 18 where I was running, and one about 6 years ago that I was dancing (without adaptive equipment.) Actually, it's funny. Ever since I have begun getting more into the blogging world, I haven't dreamed about independent movement nearly as much. In fact, most of my dreams that feature ME, also feature my chair :)

    I'm also...flummoxed by the words your therapist chose when speaking to you as a three year old... Although, I admit...I wonder what could have been said that might have resonated better? I'm actually really curious about what those words might be, because the ones chosen do seem very insensitive.

    And ouch, your brother's comment :( I know he likely didn't mean any harm, but I know how hard it is to hear things like that...

    And your comments about writing making you FEEL like running? Totally reminded me of this: http://toniasays.blogspot.com/2015/01/reinventing-wheel.html

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